Dear Diary #9
The night was slow...calm...as if we were under water.
But maybe that is what was missing from every time before.
He told me not to look at him like that.
That I wasn't just making it all up in my head.
To give him a hug goodnight.
That he doesn't want a relationship, and that won't change.
That we can try to be friends just one more time.
What do I want you ask...I don't want anything.
I wanted to be able to say yes, to try a friendship once more. To forget about all we had been through and start fresh, as if it were that we had just met.
But something inside me...something that had been screaming out to me for far too long...finally was being heard.
Too much had happened, I said to him.
For far too long.
I am tired of pretending that I am alright with this when I'm not.
That I can't keep falling into the same conversation.
The same situation. Over and Over.
With me on the losing end every time.
Can you understand that?
And like that it was over. I had unattached myself from the single thing in my life that was bringing me more pain than anything I had ever experienced.
I was proud of what strength I had found inside myself to say NO. Something I don't think I had ever been able to do before.
"To let it be is surrender. But to let it go is freedom".
A line from some of what I write. It's funny. I wrote it down a long time ago, and thought I knew what it meant. But it is only now that I am realising how much power it holds. It was really over. I was really starting to let it go. I was starting to understand what it was to be free.
I said I am not going to be someone standing in the sidelines as you go date other people.
I have respected you and your decision from the beginning.
I have remained friendly & understanding.
I have not expected anything of you, so you can no longer expect more from me.
I am now saying NO.
And I walked away.
He is not completely out of my thoughts. I am still running through the conversation in my head...to the point where I can't even really remember what was said entirely. Hopefully this will pass soon.
All I know is that I was finally untied from him.
Hmm...I wonder what is next to come...
- Anonymous
But maybe that is what was missing from every time before.
He told me not to look at him like that.
That I wasn't just making it all up in my head.
To give him a hug goodnight.
That he doesn't want a relationship, and that won't change.
That we can try to be friends just one more time.
What do I want you ask...I don't want anything.
I wanted to be able to say yes, to try a friendship once more. To forget about all we had been through and start fresh, as if it were that we had just met.
But something inside me...something that had been screaming out to me for far too long...finally was being heard.
Too much had happened, I said to him.
For far too long.
I am tired of pretending that I am alright with this when I'm not.
That I can't keep falling into the same conversation.
The same situation. Over and Over.
With me on the losing end every time.
Can you understand that?
And like that it was over. I had unattached myself from the single thing in my life that was bringing me more pain than anything I had ever experienced.
I was proud of what strength I had found inside myself to say NO. Something I don't think I had ever been able to do before.
"To let it be is surrender. But to let it go is freedom".
A line from some of what I write. It's funny. I wrote it down a long time ago, and thought I knew what it meant. But it is only now that I am realising how much power it holds. It was really over. I was really starting to let it go. I was starting to understand what it was to be free.
I said I am not going to be someone standing in the sidelines as you go date other people.
I have respected you and your decision from the beginning.
I have remained friendly & understanding.
I have not expected anything of you, so you can no longer expect more from me.
I am now saying NO.
And I walked away.
He is not completely out of my thoughts. I am still running through the conversation in my head...to the point where I can't even really remember what was said entirely. Hopefully this will pass soon.
All I know is that I was finally untied from him.
Hmm...I wonder what is next to come...
- Anonymous
