"It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up Reindeer
Singing songs of Joy and Peace
Oh I wish I had a River I could skate away on"RIVER (Joni Mitchell)It's strange how Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. I would usually be 'that' friend listening to Christmas Music, Watching Christmas Films, Baking Gingerbread, and Decorating the house. This year, however, it was me who needed a dose of Holiday Cheer. I'm not sure if I can exactly describe what it is that I have been feeling, but I will give it a try. Over the last year I have gone through every emotion a person probably could. It has been overwhelming, heart-breaking, lonely...and as it being the holidays it has all been even more so. My birthday, Christmas, and New Years all within a few weeks. Something about the holidays I guess. It is a time to be joyous and grateful, but if you are someone who struggles with bouts of depression and/or anxiety, it is almost non-existent. Complete with an inevitable sense of guilt for not being capable of feeling happier this time of year.The week before Christmas this year I experienced a bit of a Silent Meltdown as I would like to call it. I was sad, lonely, anxious, restless...all surrounded by a crippling fear that those around me didn't want me there. Even though I could hear the rational voice in my head telling me 'I am being ridiculous', it didn't seem to matter. I was spiraling much stronger then I had in the past. I think I went a few days without speaking to anyone unless I had to. Presented myself with a smile on my face with some backwards idea that if I appeared happy I would just 'be' happy.To make it worse it was around the time of my Birthday.
Normally I don't do much for my birthday. Mostly because I can't be bothered to plan anything...but also because if I don't expect it to a be a big deal then I wont be disappointed. A simple thought I'd say.When I woke up, all I wanted to do was curl-up and pretend the world didn't exist...but somehow I managed to leave the house. I took myself out to lunch, bought a new outfit...when that was all said and done I spent the rest of the day wandering about town in an aimless daze. Trying desperately to get the spiraling thoughts out of my mind and stop myself from checking my facebook page to see who didn't wish me a Happy Birthday. The more I tried the harsher it became. The mind can be viscous.Eventually I took myself to the bar. It was actually quite terrifying how at ease I felt after that first sip of Red Wine. Like the calm after a storm. I could feel tears start to stream down my face. Finally I got the strength to contact a friend. I know that I am someone who has lived a privileged life. Not extravagant by any means, but comfortable. On the outside I  really don't have much to be sad about, but I guess that's just it. It's hard enough being the one who is suffering to understand, but probably just as hard for those watching on the sidelines. This is my second Christmas away from home. I did quite a lot actually. Surrounded myself by other Christmas Orphans...and was even adopted by a friend and her family for a few days. I kind of forgot how much I missed being around a family. Though I can just sense my own family getting annoyed with me. They are all very supportive of my travelling spirit, but it's just getting harder. To make it all worse, because I have been feeling the way I have this year, I haven't felt motivated to contact home very often...a lot of that has to do with my family situation at the moment (which I will get into in another post)...but I mostly just can't bring myself to send even just a simple e-mail. It hurts them, and I try to help them understand as best I can, but they may never really understand.If only it could be as simple as having a River to Skate Away On. It sounds so beautiful in its solemn elegance. To just be able to peacefully leave it all behind and find a new life someplace where nobody knows you......Hmm...-Anonymous