Dear Diary #3
You hear it all the time, but its true, relationships are funny things. Whether it is with a friend, lover, family member, or foe...our relationships are how we interact with the world. They are what define us. They can be amazingly beautiful. Filled with nothing but joy, happiness, and love. But they can also hold a dark side.
They can also be the cruel beasts hidden in the back of your mind. The ones that exude negativity and play upon your emotions. The simple solution...remove or limit it from your life...and for the most part it can be done without a second thought I'd say.
BUT...What do you do if you are emotionally attached? Tethered by this imaginary string that keeps you holding onto something or someone you have given some sort of meaning to in your life.
It's a long story, and I will try not to bore you too much, but over this past year I have been spiraled into this type of situation. Let me share it with you, maybe someone can relate. Now...this may turn out to be a bit of a novel...so I do apologize...
OKAY...So...
Me and 'the boy' (let's just call him 'the boy') met and started dating, after a few weeks he broke it off because of his reasons. We tried to be friends for the following few weeks, started evolving again, and he ended it again. For the most part I was respectful about the situation. I mean, you can't make someone want to be with you eh? Anyways, ever since then it has been a roller coaster of emotions.
We live in a small town so we would bump into each other loads. Not that we would hang out or anything of that sort, but every once in a while he would message me to check-in, or we would see each other on a night out and somehow end up having the same conversation over again. Each time with a little more emotion and frustration. I would remain friendly but became more distant and less trusting of him each time...
Realistically we weren't together for that long, but for some reason we kept bouncing back to each other. I developed this attachment to him and our situation. I was addicted. I couldn't let go. What was making it worse was seeing him all the time and trying to be friendly when most of the time I just wanted to flick him off the earth for a while so I could get over it properly. As time went on, and as more kept happening, it became harder to let go.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that it wasn't healthy and the wrong relationship for me....but I couldn't get him off my mind, or stop thinking that maybe if I just keep holding on he will change his mind.
The worst part is he would always show up when I would start feeling really great...we would see each out...start chatting...becoming some sort form of friendly...but end up in the same situation all over again.
"I'm still very attracted to you...we can't date but I've never lied to you about how I've felt..." - This goes on for a while blah blah blah.
But no matter how much I would try to stand-up for myself and make him understand it was messing with my head...I would falter. It would end with us going back to his place... and before we would part ways we would chat again...with me being more and more frustrated and disappointed each time. Within a second I turned from feeling comfortable and safe to feeling unwanted and miserable...
It wasn't until a few days ago...after our last encounter...where it all hit me. Over the past year I had let 'the boy' treat me like a toy. When I tried to stand up for myself I would somehow end up giving into temptation. Just getting deeper and more painful each time.
I was Emotionally Attached to him.
Somewhere in my mind I know I should have stopped allowing it to continue the way it was...at least anything more then simple pleasantries...but it's like a battle between my heart and mind. Nothing was going to change at all...and I knew that...but I still let it happen!
I had become depressed...and what's worse is that I was so overwhelmed by feeling this way I have even taken a razor to my wrists on a few occasions...Not some of my proudest moments.
It was always about him...he wasn't as concerned about understanding how this was affecting me at all...and I was all to easily persuaded...willing to convince myself that I was the problem that needed fixing...my friendliness was being taken advantage of.
It has been a long year but I have finally been able to see just how messed-up of a situation it was. I put meaning upon a person who had become one of those beasts upon my life and my mind...it scared me.
I am a major believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. To teach you something. The more you ignore the lesson, the harder it hits you until you are capable of recognizing there needs to be a change. I think for myself, my lesson is in the form of committing myself to letting go of unhealthy people and situations.
It is all to easy to place someone on a pedestal...the difficult part is being able to look above and see the entire world beyond 'them'.
Easier said then done!
- Anonymous
**Oh, I know that I am terrible at ended my posts...so I do apologize for that!**
